The Marriage Series GROWING INMARRIAGE DAY 1
GET NAKEDOr I'm Starting Without You

Day 1 of 14 · Free preview

RICH + DEANNA

A Closer Look

She waited until they got home

You’ve read the story. Here’s something to bring into your own marriage.

Rich

Bryne could have let Jax think she was joking. She had a joke ready, and he was happy to play along. Then she gave him a clearer answer: "I'd like to swim naked with you." You can almost feel the difference in that moment. Now he knows something she actually wants.

Gottman Institute guidance encourages couples to learn each other's sexual preferences and talk about the cues they use to express interest.1 That gives us a useful place to begin. Being married for seventeen years doesn't mean every desire has been spoken or every invitation is easy to recognize.

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You might know exactly how to make your spouse laugh and still feel awkward saying, "I want you." There can be a little risk in letting someone you love see how much you want them. A joke gives you somewhere to hide if you feel exposed.

Keep your humor. Enjoy each other. Notice the moment when the joke begins deciding how much of you your spouse gets to know. Bryne feels her fingers tighten around the phone. You may notice a laugh, a shrug, or the words 'never mind.' That is a place to pause and say the part you meant.

DeAnna

I like that Jax closed the refrigerator. He was doing something ordinary, then realized his wife was inviting him into something he wanted to enjoy. She got his attention, and he let her know she had it.

Look at what followed. She put her phone down. She pulled him close. Later, his note gave her something to smile about while he wasn't even in the room. They each contributed to the anticipation.

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Research by Emily Bibby and Joanne Davila found an association between better perceived sexual communication and greater average daily sexual satisfaction.2 That gives us a reason to pay attention to how we express what we enjoy and receive what our spouse shares.

If you enjoy your spouse's flirting, let yourself respond. You can pull them closer, return the look, or say, "I like when you do that." Your response gives them something real to work with.

Your response may also surprise the person who invited you. You might enjoy the attention and want a different kind of play. Say that clearly. If your spouse starts explaining away their desire, you can stay curious: 'I want to understand what you were hoping for.' Both people can remain known while you discover what you want together.

Faith and Desire

Song of Songs 1:2-4 NLT

The woman in Song of Songs lets her lover hear what she wants. She speaks about kisses, closeness, and the pleasure of being with him. Her desire has a voice in Scripture, and the poem gives us room to hear it without embarrassment.

Bryne has something she wants Jax to know too. She enjoys the joke, but eventually she tells him the part she means. That small choice lets him respond to an invitation he understands. He no longer has to guess whether she was serious.

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Song of Songs 1:2-4

Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine. How pleasing is your fragrance; your name is like the spreading fragrance of scented oils. No wonder all the young women love you! Take me with you; come, let’s run! The king has brought me into his bedroom. How happy we are for you, O king. We praise your love even more than wine. How right they are to adore you.

You may find it easier to talk about almost anything else with your spouse. Even after years together, expressing desire can feel surprisingly exposing. Bring that hesitation to Jesus as you are. You can ask Him for help learning to speak honestly about something you want to enjoy.

Let this passage widen your picture of a faithful marriage. There is room for affectionate words and a playful invitation. You don't need to copy the woman's poetry or borrow Bryne's adventure. Tell your spouse something true about the pleasure of wanting them, in words that belong to you.

Let’s Pray

Jesus, thank You for the desire we can enjoy in marriage. Help me give honest words to what I want and receive my spouse with warmth. Let our playfulness help us become more known to each other. Amen.

The Coaching Moment

Give your desire some words.

Think of a moment when you wanted your spouse's attention in a flirty or sexual way. What did you do? Stay with a few seconds you remember. Perhaps you made a joke, brushed past them, or stood nearby hoping they would notice.

Before deciding what to say today, let yourself discover what you actually wanted. Was it a kiss, the pleasure of being pursued, or time to enjoy your spouse without hurrying? If you aren't sure, remember a moment you wished would last longer. That can give you somewhere to begin.

Now notice what happens as you imagine saying it plainly. You may feel warmth in your face, tighten your shoulders, or immediately reach for a joke. Ask what you expect your spouse to think. Your prediction may explain your hesitation, but you still need their actual answer.

Try one sentence that sounds like you. If you joke and realize the desire disappeared inside it, you can return: "I'm laughing, but I do mean it." Leave a little silence afterward so your spouse has room to answer.

When you receive an invitation, turn toward your spouse and answer honestly. You might welcome it, need a moment, or want a different version. If their answer surprises you, ask what they mean before deciding what it says about your desirability. Today, practice letting one real desire become known.

Borrow Our Language

Use what fits. Feel free to change the words so they sound more like you.

"I made a joke, but I do mean it. I would love that with you."

"I like hearing that you want me. Tell me more."

A LITTLE CURIOSITY. THE TWO OF YOU.

Your Sexy Question

Ask it out loud. Give your spouse a little room to surprise you.

What kind of flirting from me actually turns you on?

Take turns answering. Give one specific example so your spouse knows what you mean.

Throughout this experience, choose what you both want and leave room for an honest "not that" or "another time." A little flirting can be enjoyable on its own. You get to decide together where it goes.

Let’s Play

Give them something to think about.

  1. Choose one kind of flirting your spouse just said they enjoy. Give them a little of it today: a longer hello kiss, a private message, or a look held long enough for them to notice.

  2. Add an invitation with something specific to anticipate. "Meet me in the kitchen after the dishes" is enough if that is a moment you both want. You can decide together what belongs in it.

  3. When you receive the flirting, answer with something real. "Yes. More of that" gives your spouse a reason to smile. Enjoy the space between the invitation and the moment you chose.

Sources + Readings
1

Gottman Institute guidance

Kyle Benson. 5 Simple Ways to Have More Romantic Sex.

2

Scripture

Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. All rights reserved. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

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